My heart, my place…

On normal occasions i am mostly a cheerful person. On normal occasions not many things bring me down easily.

Yet, on some occasions, when i see the people around me having it all, being so happy, i cant help feeling that i have lost so much. To see them so happy does makes me happy. I’m not totally a monster. Hahaha. But i do feel jealous of them.

Someone always there, to have and to hold. Instead of to give and to fold. Someone who will be there for me, to support me everytime, all the time. Someone who truly understands, right or wrong, will still always, always stand by me. Who listens and not judge, Advice and not condemn, Gentle and without anger.

I dont mind giving without receiving, not in the slightest. But for once, to have someone that i can give to, and to be able expect something in return sometimes. To just have the feeling. Something i have not felt in a long time.

I miss the things i’ve lost and worst of all i dread the things that i am going to lose.

I’ve lost,

A father to support my back, to cheer me on, the ability to know that things will be ok. A father to look to, Someone who embodies love, strength, hardwork, sacrifice.

A love once in my life, a person who to the world is wrong, but to me, perfect, flawless, beautiful, who showed me that me, the toad was worth loving.

and worst that i am going to lose being beside my best friend,

One that i went thru so much to get, yet if i had chance i would do it all a thousand times and again another thousand times over.

I have learned that somtimes in gaining something new, u lose something. But sometimes if u want to gain something new u have to let go of something. But no matter how many new things pass this life of mine, all that have come and passes, lives on in me, in my momeries, in the way they have touched my life, in the way i see things, in the happiness they bring to me and even in the ways it have hurt me. Be it good or bad, i regret nothing that has passed my life.

I know i have lost touch with many, lost the closeness with many,  much i have gained in life yet much too have i lost.

but this is to those in my younger and crazy days, I will not name them, cause if u are one of them, then u will know. Those who stood by me thru it all, who supported me thru it all, where quarrels are few and happiness in abundance. who laughed with me, smiled with me, people to share my happiness and sadness, who are patient with me and even till this day tolerate me, who remember me more than i deserve.

To my group of friends who brought so much to my life, that even getting a gf, is out of curiosity. Because with them, truly life felt complete. from the outside people might see us boring back them, but i tell u, that moments spend with u guys, are filled with plesant and happy memories. And i am sorry i didn appreciate it enough.

So this is to all those times, every CONGRATULATIONS to ur first bf’s or gf’s, to ur first loves, to ur vistories in life, to the scholarships that u guys get, to all the places u have been, to every goal u scored, to every pretty and happy moment of ur life. May u be filled with lots of those.

This SORRY is for every mistake that i have done, to the forgotten birthdays, the times when i didn call, didn text, didn reply, didn cared enuf, for the times i didn understand, for the quarrels. I apologise, i never meant to hurt your feelings. I am stupid and ignorant, blur and a block head. But NEVER in my life i truly intend to hurt your feelings. And know that most of all, I never wanted to lose ur friendship. and thats why i will always back down.

And lastly my LOVE, to those who have loved and lost, to those who gave yet did not receive as they deserve. To those who have hurt and are those who are hurting still, to all the lonely moments in ur life, to all the times tears flow down that cheek of urs. to the times u fall and get hurt, to the times when u feel like no one cares, to the times when u feel the world is a monster, or to the times u just wanna give up. Know that u are never alone, And if i could i would be there to wipe ur tears, to lend u a shoulder, to lend u my strength, to cry with you, or just to be beside u if u are scared or grossed out by me.  i am just a phone call or e mail away. That truly i do love you guys, and miss u tons.

and this is from me to you.

This is how i do things, people currently in my life, i give all i can to them so they will have no regrets in our friendship. because i guess there are already too many disappointments in life. But it does not mean i do not care about the past. Know that if when ur truly in need i am here.

Wilson :)

Finally i feel like my clock is moving again, everyone around me is happy. And seeing them makes me feel like i can too. And lil by lil i feel like i can do it. pick up my studies, try to lose some weight, and all the lil stuff in life.

I will close the past and start anew, with a new strength, a new resolution, with a new persistance to succeed, a renewed perseverance that has been wearing thin, I will be a happier person. I will not let little things affect me, I will be Me.

I will be fitter, smarter, stronger, happier, tougher, and be more harworking.

I will learn to do things differently, close certain chapters of my life.

I wil serve the lord, not fanatically, but with better plan.

I will sleep after a prayer and wake up to a prayer.

I will plan my days and not just go with the flow or just follow my mood. OF course its subject to a certain limit. I am not perfect after all.

Ok, will add as i think of more. ;o =.=”"

Hey Dad, wilson here. u’ve been gone for a year now. How have things gone for you? I hope ur happy up there. i miss u terribly, mum, everyone still do.

Its so hard to write with silly tears blocking my view. I’m sorry i never get u told u how much i loved you. Only when ur eyes are closed, lying there, did i get to tell you. But u do know i love you right? And i am damn proud of you. Of what u have done for us, the sucess u have achieved in life, of how u have lived ur life.

So what if we are not millionaires? I am happy with what u gave us, ur time, ur effort, ur patience, ur trust, ur love. No amount of money in the world will be enuf as a trade for u as a father. I would happily eat rice mixed with sand for the rest of my life to have u back.

And tho, we never really had father son talk, u spoke with actions and not with mere words. a million people can tell u they love you. But u prove it. U taught me patience, U never screamed but spoke firmly. U thought me how to give, by helping others without expecting anything in return. U thought me how to love by loving me thru ur actions. Many times i failed u, yet u kept trusting me. never gave up on me. Thank you.

Each time i stand in front of the box containing ur ash, it never failed to bring tears to my eyes. I wish to have the chance to talk to you, once more. just once. I know u wanna talk to me too ya? But its not possible anymore now. So u gotta wait a while more.

Rest well dad, and when we meet again, i will tell u what i have done and make u proud. And tho ur no longer here, u will live on in my memory, in my heart.

I love u

Wilson.

Hey Blair, Brooke, Meredith, Demelza, Alexandria Ambrossio, Leona Lewis, Carrie Underwood, Jeremy Darling, Chandler Bing, (whatever la if i get any spelling wrong)

How do i start? Hahaha.. Hmm..

Since u wanted to know how i feel about u, some might be wrong i dunno but this is how i feel, so here goes..

I think ur a horrible monster that eats children, who sings horribly and destroy buildings. hahaha.. Not! Ok, I’ll stop fooling around.

I wont lie and say there is nothing wrong. Because there are some. But i wont bring it up. Why? because when i think of it, there is simply no reason to, U are who u are, and i accept u for who u are and not only parts of u that i like.

I know it Sounds like another load of crap from another guy, but think back, in all our years of friendship, have i ever once scolded or even raised my voice at u? have i ever said i hated this or that part of u? And whatever decision u make at the end, dont i always support u?

Just that sometimes i dont think u really understand why i do the things i do and how much our friendship really, really means to me, u may know why but i dont think u fully understand.

Hahaha, before u get angry, read on,

Thru it all, i have very few or no regrets doing what i do, never regret having u for a friend. Tho sometimes when ur angry u said things that are painfull to hear. Haha.

But i know when i hit rock bottom, a call, can make me encourage me, cheer me up, support me and make me feel as if there is nothing in the world that i cant do.

That i know i can trust u with all my secrets and stuff, that i can talk to you about nearly everything under the sun.

With u around, i know that life wont be boring.

But it is that special ability u have to make me happy when i’m feeling down. With ur happiness, ur hyperness, making silly things then act innocent and many more.. HAHA, and knowing when i’m feeling down.

But the above isnt the reasons, those are just excuses. i am ur friend simply because i want to, and i dont need a reason for it.

But the above is not what i wanna tell u, what i want u to know is that as long as i live and breath, u will have a true friend, one that u will never lose to anyone, and even if u wanted will be near impossible too. And if u ever doubt it, dont..

BECAUSE… U, yes u, and not me. Will always be my BFFE.

Maybe after all this while i am a boy, a boy with childish dreams and believes. Despite all the things that he sees happen around him hold true to himself.

A boy who believes in true love, who believes in loyalty and love. Who loves his family, who truly trust in his God, who is always happy, hyper, cheerfull. TO have the clear conscience of a child, where wrong is wrong and right is right. Somehow growing up has a way of tainting you. U learn to give excuses,justify ur mistakes and somehow things that used to be wrong slowly become right to you.

Yet i have to be the man, a man who can provide and lead his family, handle his problems without skipping a beat, a pillar of strength and support, overcome challenges and be successful.

To find the right balance that will be my challenge. and of course, be a man part more.. the boy part, needs maintaining. the man parts needs work and effort.

Lead me lord! thanks!!!!!!

Normally, i know and am sure of what i want.. yet at times like these, i feel so lost, drowning in my emotions, feelings.

When i ask myself why? yet i have no answer, i do not know..

As if i fail to understand myself..

to hold on to my beliefs or to let it all go and dont care anymore..

sucks when ur heart and mind gives u two different answers..

yet i know i will away find the right way, because the lord guides me. still it does not stop me from feeling the way i do.. forgive me lord..

Everytime i keep hearing people saying i like a certain someone, or that i should hit on that someone. And honestly its kinda getting to me. SO i’ll make it simple easy and clear to everyone.

I love her but not in love with her. Get it? Understand the difference?

I admit, i care a lot and i would do a lot for her. Because thats how much she means to me. Because i want her to know she deserves better.

If, If i wanted her to be mine, i would have hit on her already. Since long ago. I’ll be thick faced and tell her i’m chasing her. And i have NEVER did that. Why should i beat around the bush?

i would be bragging to her and the world how much i have done for her. Sure, some people know a lil bit here and there, but does anyone know truly how much? Nobody, and thats the way i intend it to be. My part of the story, is mine and mine alone.

I’ll be honest here. IF i did what i did to get her, really how much closer am i to getting her? not even a millimeter closer. Why should i not stop and move on to another girl? why do i continue for as long as i did? If it was my intention to get her. i would have moved on. Long long ago.

So dont insult me and look down on my ability to truly give without expecting anything much in return for myself, a thank you or a smile is good enuf for me. Because this is who i am. And this is my explanation. take it or leave it.

Today as i watched Grey’s Anatomy, to see lives pass by so easily, to see people talking about thier father, the fact that i’ve lost mine too crept back to me from the corner of my mind, a thought a have pushed far back into a little dark corner and space.. Maybe because i am scared, maybe because i dont dare to face that fact, maybe because it hurts like mad..

Maybe staying far away from home, helped me pushed that thought aside..
But one thing i do know.. I miss him.